Someone post a joke, I NEED a laugh |
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Sec'yBob
Quarryman Joined: April/23/2015 Location: Missouri Status: Offline Points: 468 |
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Posted: July/15/2016 at 9:52pm |
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Please............................. anyone have anything funny
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Raised 2001
PM Crestwood-Anchor #443 PM Meramec #313 X3 Past DDGM Dist #24 Lodge Education Officer Missouri Lodge of Research O.E.S. Chapter 129 WP X3 Legion of Honor recipient |
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GrimoireA3
Banned Joined: May/05/2013 Location: Boston Status: Offline Points: 625 |
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What happens if you double park your frog? Ans: It gets toad. |
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Please Note: I am not a Mason. And also, I am not an anti-Mason!
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rchadwic
Quarryman Joined: June/04/2011 Location: Palm Bay, FL Status: Offline Points: 254 |
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Grimoire A3, that was TERRIBLE.
You should probably be ashamed of yourself........ But, thanks. Bob C |
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Bob Chadwick
Palm Bay #397 Palm Bay, Fla |
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edwmax
Administrator Joined: November/06/2007 Location: Georgia, USA Status: Offline Points: 7098 |
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"He who would assume to govern others must first learn to govern himself."
Thomasville 369 |
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edwmax
Administrator Joined: November/06/2007 Location: Georgia, USA Status: Offline Points: 7098 |
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New Bull Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.
... ok i stole it ... |
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"He who would assume to govern others must first learn to govern himself."
Thomasville 369 |
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Sec'yBob
Quarryman Joined: April/23/2015 Location: Missouri Status: Offline Points: 468 |
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thank you I am laughing out loud.
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Raised 2001
PM Crestwood-Anchor #443 PM Meramec #313 X3 Past DDGM Dist #24 Lodge Education Officer Missouri Lodge of Research O.E.S. Chapter 129 WP X3 Legion of Honor recipient |
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De Darrah
Matron Joined: November/10/2007 Location: Sacramento CA Status: Offline Points: 3419 |
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Time for this to go around again... If you have ever used an
electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this. If you don't laugh
hysterically at this,....CHECK YOUR PULSE...this is funny....and true. This was
sent by a retired dentist. Now I'm standing there,
I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7
giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the
size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the
cover. The first thing I notice is
my penis trying to climb up the front side
of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition
firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton
rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the
engine. At this point I'm about 30
minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped
around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all
about electric fences ... but Dad always had those piece of crap chargers made by International or whoever
that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. Now the lawnmower is
starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as
if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and
with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But
nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like
a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's
right foot. I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead
grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot
where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I
assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let
go of the wire. 1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted. 2 - I now have cramps in
the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just
the right). 4 - My left eye will not open. 5 - My right eye will not close. 6 - The lawnmower runs like
a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon
fouling or something, because it was better than new after that. 8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???). That
day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the
little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is
unplugged before I mow.
Edited by De Darrah - July/18/2016 at 10:00am |
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De
Past Matron New Hope Ch. #117 OES PWHP Palm Shrine No.32 now Alchor #27 WSOJ Y.B.Y.S.A.I.A. As Brother Ben F. said "In Wine there is Wisdom In Beer there is Freedom In Water there is Bacteria" < |
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Sec'yBob
Quarryman Joined: April/23/2015 Location: Missouri Status: Offline Points: 468 |
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Now that right there, is the funniest thing I have read in months........................ WOW, I think my pants are wet. [from laughing]
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Raised 2001
PM Crestwood-Anchor #443 PM Meramec #313 X3 Past DDGM Dist #24 Lodge Education Officer Missouri Lodge of Research O.E.S. Chapter 129 WP X3 Legion of Honor recipient |
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GrimoireA3
Banned Joined: May/05/2013 Location: Boston Status: Offline Points: 625 |
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And by a toad truck. |
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Please Note: I am not a Mason. And also, I am not an anti-Mason!
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log cabin Bill
Quarryman Joined: October/31/2010 Location: Pittsburgh, PA Status: Offline Points: 1057 |
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A boy asks his mother for a dollar saying that he has been good all week. His mother says, why can't you be like your father. He's good for nothing.
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North Hills Lodge, #716,PM
Allegheny RAM,#217,PHP Allegheny Council,#38,PTIM Allegheny Commandery #35 Knight Masons,Gateway To The West Council #5 AASR,Valley of Pgh. Syria Shrine Islam Grotto |
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rchadwic
Quarryman Joined: June/04/2011 Location: Palm Bay, FL Status: Offline Points: 254 |
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Hmmmm...
I was wondering if it could get any worse..... (Wurst??) BC |
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Bob Chadwick
Palm Bay #397 Palm Bay, Fla |
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WBScott
Quarryman Joined: October/18/2014 Location: Wright City, MO Status: Offline Points: 265 |
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A grasshopper walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" To which the grasshopper replies, "You have a drink named Steve?" ------------------------------- A neutron walks into a bar, orders a beer and asks the bartender, "How much?" To which the bartender replies, "For you, no charge!" ------------------------------- A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a beer and asks the bartender, "How much?" The bartender knows that gorillas aren't very smart and he figures he can charge the gorilla anything he wants and the gorilla won't know any difference. He tells the gorilla, "$18.00" The gorilla hands him a $20 and says, "Keep the change." The gorilla finishes his first beer, calls the bartender down and orders another one. The bartender brings him is beer and the gorilla hands him a $20 and says, "Keep the change." The gorilla finishes his second beer, calls the bartender down and orders another one. The bartender brings him is beer and the gorilla hands him a $20 and says, "Keep the change." The gorilla finishes his third beer, calls the bartender down and orders another one. The bartender brings him is beer and the gorilla hands him a $20 and says, "Keep the change." The bartender then says to the gorilla, "Say, we don't see many gorillas down here." To which the gorilla replies, "At these prices its no wonder!" |
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Wentzville (MO) Lodge #46 - PM
Pride of the West (MO) Lodge #179 - PM (twice) Pauldingville (MO) Lodge #11 - Secretary Warrenton (MO) Lodge #609 - Secretary Past DDGM - 25th Masonic District |
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GrimoireA3
Banned Joined: May/05/2013 Location: Boston Status: Offline Points: 625 |
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A piece of rope walks into a bar and the bartenders yells, Hey - we don't serve rope her so get out. Flustered, the piece of rope walks out, has a change of mind, goes back in and gets yelled at again by the bartender: Hey, we don't serve your kind in this bar, no rope allowed so get out. Out on the sidewalk the piece of rope has an idea. It tussles its hair and twists itself into a pretzel shape. Reentering the bar, the bartender demands: Hey, ain't you the piece of rope I just told get out???!!!! I'm a frayed not! (was the reply).
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Please Note: I am not a Mason. And also, I am not an anti-Mason!
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GrimoireA3
Banned Joined: May/05/2013 Location: Boston Status: Offline Points: 625 |
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Please Note: I am not a Mason. And also, I am not an anti-Mason!
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droche
Quarryman Joined: March/03/2008 Location: Worcester, Mass Status: Offline Points: 2243 |
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When the bartender said we don't serve rope here the rope should have said, "That's OK, I don't drink rope, just bring me a beer."
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rchadwic
Quarryman Joined: June/04/2011 Location: Palm Bay, FL Status: Offline Points: 254 |
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Here's my entry.....
A rather portly, plain young lady walked into a bar and sat at the bar next to a rather drunk gentleman. She happened to be carrying a duck under her arm.
The drunk looked up, noticed her and said: “Hey, where’d you get that pig?”
The lady, very offended, said: “I’ll have you know, that is a duck”
To which the drunk responded: “I was talking to the duck”.
And a pleasant day to you all, too… |
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Bob Chadwick
Palm Bay #397 Palm Bay, Fla |
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Sec'yBob
Quarryman Joined: April/23/2015 Location: Missouri Status: Offline Points: 468 |
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Now I have had my morning laugh.............thanks
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Raised 2001
PM Crestwood-Anchor #443 PM Meramec #313 X3 Past DDGM Dist #24 Lodge Education Officer Missouri Lodge of Research O.E.S. Chapter 129 WP X3 Legion of Honor recipient |
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rchadwic
Quarryman Joined: June/04/2011 Location: Palm Bay, FL Status: Offline Points: 254 |
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My pleasure.
I got a million of'em....... (though I will admit that De Darrah has me beat) |
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Bob Chadwick
Palm Bay #397 Palm Bay, Fla |
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GrimoireA3
Banned Joined: May/05/2013 Location: Boston Status: Offline Points: 625 |
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What did one casket ask the other casket?
Ans: Is that you coffin? |
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Please Note: I am not a Mason. And also, I am not an anti-Mason!
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De Darrah
Matron Joined: November/10/2007 Location: Sacramento CA Status: Offline Points: 3419 |
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I know I needed a chuckle this morning, so thought you might too. A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts him. Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It¹s been flickering for weeks now. He looks at her and says angrily, Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have a GE logo printed on my forehead? I don¹t think so. Fine. Then the wife asks, Well then could you fix the fridge door? It won¹t close right. To which he replied, Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don¹t think so. Fine, she says. Then at least you could fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break. I'm not a carpenter and I don¹t want to fix steps, he says. Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don¹t think so. I¹ve had enough of you. I¹m going to the bar! So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts feeling guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home. As he walks into the house he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. Honey, he asks, how did all this get fixed? Ah well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake. He asked, So what kind of cake did you bake him? She replied, Helloooo, do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so. |
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De
Past Matron New Hope Ch. #117 OES PWHP Palm Shrine No.32 now Alchor #27 WSOJ Y.B.Y.S.A.I.A. As Brother Ben F. said "In Wine there is Wisdom In Beer there is Freedom In Water there is Bacteria" < |
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edwmax
Administrator Joined: November/06/2007 Location: Georgia, USA Status: Offline Points: 7098 |
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hahaha ...
errr ... never mind ..... |
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"He who would assume to govern others must first learn to govern himself."
Thomasville 369 |
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GrimoireA3
Banned Joined: May/05/2013 Location: Boston Status: Offline Points: 625 |
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What has eight heads, sixteen legs, and no brain?
Ans: A committee. What is a camel? Ans: A horse designed by committee. |
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Please Note: I am not a Mason. And also, I am not an anti-Mason!
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De Darrah
Matron Joined: November/10/2007 Location: Sacramento CA Status: Offline Points: 3419 |
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'I Hate My Job day' Try this out:
When you get home, lock your
Change into very comfortable
Now, carefully place it on a table
Take out the literature from You will notice that in small
"Every Rectal Thermometer And then sanitized." Now, close your eyes and repeat HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER,
THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE Maybe you should go and work
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De
Past Matron New Hope Ch. #117 OES PWHP Palm Shrine No.32 now Alchor #27 WSOJ Y.B.Y.S.A.I.A. As Brother Ben F. said "In Wine there is Wisdom In Beer there is Freedom In Water there is Bacteria" < |
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Sec'yBob
Quarryman Joined: April/23/2015 Location: Missouri Status: Offline Points: 468 |
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There once was a lady from Nantucket.................................
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Raised 2001
PM Crestwood-Anchor #443 PM Meramec #313 X3 Past DDGM Dist #24 Lodge Education Officer Missouri Lodge of Research O.E.S. Chapter 129 WP X3 Legion of Honor recipient |
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