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Someone post a joke, I NEED a laugh

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Sec'yBob View Drop Down
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    Posted: July/15/2016 at 9:52pm
Please............................. anyone have anything funny
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote GrimoireA3 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/16/2016 at 9:07am
Originally posted by Sec'yBob Sec'yBob wrote:

Please............................. anyone have anything funny



What happens if you double park your frog?


Ans: It gets toad.

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote rchadwic Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/16/2016 at 1:26pm
Grimoire A3, that was TERRIBLE.
You should probably be ashamed of yourself........

But, thanks.

Bob C
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote edwmax Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/16/2016 at 4:17pm
"Until you realize that your viewpoint is incomplete and that's '_' viewpoint is complete, only then can you become teachable in the Mysteries of '_'."





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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote edwmax Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/16/2016 at 4:20pm

New Bull

 Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.


First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."

Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."

Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.

First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish -- let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."




... ok i stole it ...

"Until you realize that your viewpoint is incomplete and that's '_' viewpoint is complete, only then can you become teachable in the Mysteries of '_'."





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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Sec'yBob Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/16/2016 at 5:02pm
Clapthank you   I am laughing out loud.

ROTFL
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote De Darrah Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/18/2016 at 9:51am

Time for this to go around again...

If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this.
The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing.

If you don't laugh hysterically at this,....CHECK YOUR PULSE...this is funny....and true. This was sent by a retired dentist.
------
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my   right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my penis trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of crap lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like
there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had those piece of crap chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into   a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day .... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right   butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
 

4 - My left eye will not open.

5 - My right eye will not close.

6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.  ROTFL


 



Edited by De Darrah - July/18/2016 at 10:00am
De
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Sec'yBob Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/18/2016 at 6:25pm
Now that right there, is the funniest thing I have read in months........................
WOW, I think my pants are wet.  [from laughing]
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote GrimoireA3 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/19/2016 at 8:58am
Originally posted by rchadwic rchadwic wrote:

Grimoire A3, that was TERRIBLE.
You should probably be ashamed of yourself........

But, thanks.

Bob C




And by a toad truck.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote log cabin Bill Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/19/2016 at 11:59am
A boy asks his mother for a dollar saying that he has been good all week. His mother says, why can't you be like your father. He's good for nothing.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote rchadwic Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/19/2016 at 8:55pm
Hmmmm...

I was wondering if it could get any worse..... (Wurst??)

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote WBScott Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/24/2016 at 5:27pm
A grasshopper walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"

To which the grasshopper replies, "You have a drink named Steve?"

-------------------------------

A neutron walks into a bar, orders a beer and asks the bartender, "How much?"

To which the bartender replies, "For you, no charge!"

-------------------------------

A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a beer and asks the bartender, "How much?"

The bartender knows that gorillas aren't very smart and he figures he can charge the gorilla anything he wants and the gorilla won't know any difference. He tells the gorilla, "$18.00"

The gorilla hands him a $20 and says, "Keep the change."

The gorilla finishes his first beer, calls the bartender down and orders another one. The bartender brings him is beer and the gorilla hands him a $20 and says, "Keep the change."

The gorilla finishes his second beer, calls the bartender down and orders another one. The bartender brings him is beer and the gorilla hands him a $20 and says, "Keep the change."

The gorilla finishes his third beer, calls the bartender down and orders another one. The bartender brings him is beer and the gorilla hands him a $20 and says, "Keep the change."

The bartender then says to the gorilla, "Say, we don't see many gorillas down here."

To which the gorilla replies, "At these prices its no wonder!"

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote GrimoireA3 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/27/2016 at 10:50am
Originally posted by WBScott WBScott wrote:

A grasshopper walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"

To which the grasshopper replies, "You have a drink named Steve?"

-------------------------------

A neutron walks into a bar, orders a beer and asks the bartender, "How much?"

To which the bartender replies, "For you, no charge!"

-------------------------------

A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a beer and asks the bartender, "How much?"

The bartender knows that gorillas aren't very smart and he figures he can charge the gorilla anything he wants and the gorilla won't know any difference. He tells the gorilla, "$18.00"

The gorilla hands him a $20 and says, "Keep the change."

The gorilla finishes his first beer, calls the bartender down and orders another one. The bartender brings him is beer and the gorilla hands him a $20 and says, "Keep the change."

The gorilla finishes his second beer, calls the bartender down and orders another one. The bartender brings him is beer and the gorilla hands him a $20 and says, "Keep the change."

The gorilla finishes his third beer, calls the bartender down and orders another one. The bartender brings him is beer and the gorilla hands him a $20 and says, "Keep the change."

The bartender then says to the gorilla, "Say, we don't see many gorillas down here."

To which the gorilla replies, "At these prices its no wonder!"


A piece of rope walks into a bar and the bartenders yells, Hey - we don't serve rope her so get out.

Flustered, the piece of rope walks out, has a change of mind, goes back in and gets yelled at again by the bartender: Hey, we don't serve your kind in this bar, no rope allowed so get out.

Out on the sidewalk the piece of rope has an idea.  It tussles its hair and twists itself into a pretzel shape.  

Reentering the bar, the bartender demands: Hey, ain't you the piece of rope I just told get out???!!!!

I'm a frayed not! (was the reply).
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote GrimoireA3 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/27/2016 at 11:27am
Originally posted by GrimoireA3 GrimoireA3 wrote:

Originally posted by WBScott WBScott wrote:

A grasshopper walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"

To which the grasshopper replies, "You have a drink named Steve?"

-------------------------------

A neutron walks into a bar, orders a beer and asks the bartender, "How much?"

To which the bartender replies, "For you, no charge!"

-------------------------------

A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a beer and asks the bartender, "How much?"

The bartender knows that gorillas aren't very smart and he figures he can charge the gorilla anything he wants and the gorilla won't know any difference. He tells the gorilla, "$18.00"

The gorilla hands him a $20 and says, "Keep the change."

The gorilla finishes his first beer, calls the bartender down and orders another one. The bartender brings him is beer and the gorilla hands him a $20 and says, "Keep the change."

The gorilla finishes his second beer, calls the bartender down and orders another one. The bartender brings him is beer and the gorilla hands him a $20 and says, "Keep the change."

The gorilla finishes his third beer, calls the bartender down and orders another one. The bartender brings him is beer and the gorilla hands him a $20 and says, "Keep the change."

The bartender then says to the gorilla, "Say, we don't see many gorillas down here."

To which the gorilla replies, "At these prices its no wonder!"


A piece of rope walks into a bar and the bartenders yells, Hey - we don't serve rope here so get out.

Flustered, the piece of rope walks out, has a change of mind, goes back in and gets yelled at again by the bartender: Hey, we don't serve your kind in this bar, no rope allowed so get out.

Out on the sidewalk the piece of rope has an idea.  It tussles its hair and twists itself into a pretzel shape.  

Reentering the bar, the bartender demands: Hey, ain't you the piece of rope I just told get out???!!!!

I'm a frayed knot! (was the reply).
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote droche Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: July/27/2016 at 6:04pm
When the bartender said we don't serve rope here the rope should have said, "That's OK, I don't drink rope, just bring me a beer."
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote rchadwic Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/02/2016 at 4:27pm
Here's my entry.....

A rather portly, plain  young lady walked into a bar and sat at the bar

next to a rather drunk gentleman. She happened to be carrying a

duck under her arm.

 

The drunk looked up, noticed her and said:

“Hey, where’d you get that pig?”

 

The lady, very offended, said:

“I’ll have you know, that is a duck”

 

To which the drunk responded:

“I was talking to the duck”.

 

And a pleasant day to you all, too…


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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Sec'yBob Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/03/2016 at 9:18am
Now I have had my morning laugh.............thanks
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote rchadwic Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/03/2016 at 11:42am
My pleasure.
I got a million of'em.......
(though I will admit that De Darrah has me beat)
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote GrimoireA3 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/06/2016 at 6:23pm
What did one casket ask the other casket?


Ans: Is that you coffin?
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote De Darrah Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/16/2016 at 11:47am
I know I needed a chuckle this morning, so thought you might too.


A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts him.
Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It¹s been flickering for
weeks now.

He looks at her and says angrily, Fix the lights now? Does it look like I
have a GE logo printed on my forehead? I don¹t think so.

Fine. Then the wife asks, Well then could you fix the fridge door? It
won¹t close right.

To which he replied, Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have
Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don¹t think so.

Fine, she says. Then at least you could fix the steps to the front door?
They are about to break.

I'm not a carpenter and I don¹t want to fix steps, he says. Does it look
like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don¹t think so. I¹ve
had enough of you. I¹m going to the bar!

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts feeling
guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home.

As he walks into the house he notices that the steps are already fixed. As
he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a
beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

Honey, he asks, how did all this get fixed?

Ah well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man
asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs,
and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.

He asked, So what kind of cake did you bake him?

She replied, Helloooo, do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I
don't think so.




De
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote edwmax Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/17/2016 at 6:02am
hahaha ...LOL

errr   ... never mind .....
"Until you realize that your viewpoint is incomplete and that's '_' viewpoint is complete, only then can you become teachable in the Mysteries of '_'."





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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote GrimoireA3 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/31/2016 at 11:41am
What has eight heads, sixteen legs, and no brain?

Ans: A committee.


What is a camel?

Ans: A horse designed by committee.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote De Darrah Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/31/2016 at 12:15pm

'I Hate My Job day'
[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]

Try this out: 
Stop at your pharmacy and go to the 
Thermometer section and purchase
a rectal thermometer made by 
Johnson & Johnson.
Be very sure you get this brand.

 

When you get home, lock your 
Doors, draw the curtains and 
Disconnect the phone so 
You will not be disturbed.


 

Change into very comfortable 
Clothing and sit in your favorite 
Chair. Open the package and 
Remove the thermometer.

 

Now, carefully place it on a table 
Or a surface so that it will not 
Become chipped or broken 

Now the fun part begins.

 

Take out the literature from 
The box and read it carefully.

 

You will notice that in small 
Print there is this statement:

 

"Every Rectal Thermometer 
Made by Johnson & Johnson 
Is personally tested

And then sanitized."

Now, close your eyes and repeat 
Out loud five times,' I am so glad 
I do not work in the thermometer 
Quality control department at
Johnson & Johnson.'

                         HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, 

THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE 
WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A
PAIN IN THE BUTT THAN YOURS!
 

If you haven't got a smile on your face 
And laughter in your heart....

Maybe you should go and work 
For Johnson and Johnson! 

Enjoy life now - It has an expiration date!

 

De
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In Water there is Bacteria"
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Sec'yBob Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: August/31/2016 at 12:22pm
There once was a lady from Nantucket................................. Shocked
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