Mastermason.com Forums Homepage
Forum Home Forum Home > Forum Lounge (off-topic & lighter discussions) > The Laughing Corner
  New Posts New Posts RSS Feed - Tools Explained
  FAQ FAQ  Forum Search   Events   Register Register  Login Login

Tools Explained

 Post Reply Post Reply
Author
Message
De Darrah View Drop Down
Matron
Matron
Avatar

Joined: November/10/2007
Location: Sacramento CA
Status: Offline
Points: 3419
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote De Darrah Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Tools Explained
    Posted: May/31/2020 at 8:34pm

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh schitt!'

DROP SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted buckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.

SON OF A BITCH TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'SON OF A BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

(This is a mutation
of a column written by Peter Egan and published in Road and Track back
in 1996. Thank you to Lynda Brighton for finding the information on it https://static.xx.fbcdn.net/images/emoji.php/v9/t4f/1/16/1f601.png";)">😁
De
Past Matron New Hope Ch. #117 OES
PWHP Palm Shrine No.32 now Alchor #27 WSOJ
Y.B.Y.S.A.I.A.

As Brother Ben F. said
"In Wine there is Wisdom
In Beer there is Freedom
In Water there is Bacteria"
<
Back to Top
Sec'yBob View Drop Down
Quarryman
Quarryman
Avatar

Joined: April/23/2015
Location: Missouri
Status: Offline
Points: 468
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Sec'yBob Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: May/31/2020 at 10:04pm
Raised 2001
PM Crestwood-Anchor #443
PM Meramec #313 X3
Past DDGM Dist #24
Lodge Education Officer
Missouri Lodge of Research
O.E.S. Chapter 129 WP X3
Legion of Honor recipient
Back to Top
log cabin Bill View Drop Down
Quarryman
Quarryman
Avatar

Joined: October/31/2010
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Status: Offline
Points: 1057
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote log cabin Bill Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June/01/2020 at 5:49am
I know some high school shop teachers and will send this to them.  I am sure they will find it very funny and true, especially the S.O.B tool.
North Hills Lodge, #716,PM
Allegheny RAM,#217,PHP
Allegheny Council,#38,PTIM
Allegheny Commandery #35
Knight Masons,Gateway To The West Council #5
AASR,Valley of Pgh.
Syria Shrine
Islam Grotto
Back to Top
De Darrah View Drop Down
Matron
Matron
Avatar

Joined: November/10/2007
Location: Sacramento CA
Status: Offline
Points: 3419
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote De Darrah Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June/01/2020 at 1:10pm
I have been known to use that S.O.B. tool often.  Jerry often came in the house missing eye brows after playing with his oxyacetylene torch and I once had to fall back out of the way before he removed mine.  We have a saying here, when some one comes in bleeding we say "so you did a Jerry did you".  I keep plenty of bandages handy in the house garage, car and especially at the lodge. LOL
De
Past Matron New Hope Ch. #117 OES
PWHP Palm Shrine No.32 now Alchor #27 WSOJ
Y.B.Y.S.A.I.A.

As Brother Ben F. said
"In Wine there is Wisdom
In Beer there is Freedom
In Water there is Bacteria"
<
Back to Top
edwmax View Drop Down
Administrator
Administrator
Avatar

Joined: November/06/2007
Location: Georgia, USA
Status: Offline
Points: 7098
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote edwmax Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June/01/2020 at 5:50pm
Very accurate  ....
"He who would assume to govern others must first learn to govern himself."





Thomasville 369
Back to Top
 Post Reply Post Reply
  Share Topic   

Forum Jump Forum Permissions View Drop Down

Forum Software by Web Wiz Forums® version 11.10
Copyright ©2001-2017 Web Wiz Ltd.

This page was generated in 0.172 seconds.