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35 Classic One-liners About Aging

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De Darrah View Drop Down
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Joined: November/10/2007
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    Posted: May/28/2021 at 2:00am
35 Classic One-liners About Aging
I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet. Rita Rudner
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. Will Rogers
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. Erma Bombeck
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving. Author Unknown
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her. Agatha Christie
Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read. George Burns
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work...I want to achieve it through not dying. Woody Allen
I’ve learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes. Andy Rooney
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of algebra. Will Rogers
I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do. Phyllis Diller
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine. P.G. Wodehouse
My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. Rita Rudner
At my age, flowers scare me. George Burns
I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. Rodney Dangerfield
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘“At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.” Claude Pepper
You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. Bob Hope
He’s so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front. George Burns
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age — as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. Phyllis Diller
So far, this is the oldest I’ve been. George Carlin
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. Billy Crystal
How young can you die of old age? Steven Wright
As a graduate of the Zsa Zsa Gabor School of Creative mathematics, I honestly do not know how old I am. Erma Bombeck
Looking 50 is great if you’re 60. Joan Rivers
True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country. Kurt Vonnegut
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. George Burns
There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward. John Mortimer
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. Woody Allen
Middle age is when you still believe you’ll feel better in the morning. Bob Hope
People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you’ll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow. Erma Bombeck
I’m so old they’ve canceled my blood type. Bob Hope
You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, “See if you can blow this out.” Jerry Seinfeld
The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left. Jerry M. Wright
People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my 87th birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit. George Burns
Talk about getting old. I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade. Joan Rivers
It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen
De
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